Quotes from 'Give Me Five'.

Like-sooo-in love with the story :D

Dawn <3

Quotes from 'Mia Goes Fourth'.

Like-totally-lovingly-yours :P

Dawn <3

A few of my favorite funny lines from the hilarious self-help book.

Funnily-happy :P

Dawn <3

• A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you that he's just not that into you. That's why we've written this book.
• If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
• On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value.
• The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction.
• What kind of weird science experiment are you doing with your emotions? Don't get me wrong, Madame Curie-I know it's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for.
• People are complicated. They are a mixed bag of lovable and dysfunctional qualities. That's why they are so darn confusing.

Yes, I'm back with our beloved and oh-so-full-of-hilarity - Jaz Parks!
~ Kira

• Unfortunately, before Disa could wind it up a notch, her vamps and their human guardians came pouring through the villa’s back doors. Again the balance had shifted. I glanced at Vayl. He gave me a nod and the slight lift of his lips that passed for a smile. Warped souls that we are, we kinda love it when our odds dip. Because that’s when the real fun begins.
• She gestured to the shaft of the bolt, still sticking out of her gut. “What about this?” she cried.
  “Keep it,” I said. “A little souvenir to remind you not to mess with skinny redheads from America.”
• He’d told us in his time the room had been used as a sort of halfway house for newly recruited vampires.
  “You had to keep them at such a distance?” Dave had asked incredulously. “What, were you afraid they were going to rise a half hour before everybody else, steal all the silver, and run off with the kitchen help?”
• “Sorry about that,” I said. “It’s kind of a hereditary thing. My dad’s a growler. Although he sounds more like a garbage disposal trying to process a set of flatware.”
• Okay, well, maybe it was that easy. I tried to lighten up. Then I saw myself, leading this post-adolescent down the hall while he sniffed my neck, up into my scalp. And I couldn’t help it. Suddenly I was imagining a supermodel standing twenty paces downwind, holding a bottle of Head & Shoulders, saying, “Even werewolves can’t tell the difference!”
• Are you insane?” Niall demanded in a stage whisper.I started to laugh. And couldn’t stop. It became the most hilarious question anyone had ever asked me.
• Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could do a little Cartoon Network scene where I blew her up with TNT, dropped her off a mountain, ran her over with a steamroller, and catapulted her into the side of Rockefeller Center, after which she would get up, stumble around groggily for a few seconds, shake it off, and then impale herself on my lance-sized stake?
• “Vayl, this is not a pleasant moment for me,” I confessed.“No?”“Locked in a windowless, doorless room with a dancing, headless corpse and a secret sucker that can move fast enough to tear us both a new one if I miss?”Vayl took a second to ponder. “Think of the body as what Pinocchio would have looked like if he had lied to the Mob.”“That’s so not funny.”“Then why are you chuckling?”“God, we are so warped.
• No, look, you’re still mostly human, I assured myself. If you weren’t, well, surely you wouldn’t be so pissed off at Dave or so confused about Vayl right now, huh? And you definitely wouldn’t want to pinch Disa’s head in a vise and then attach her body to a tire rotator.
• “Hey, you’re the one who called me! So quit your bitching and get on it!” What. An. Asshole! “Well?”
  “Oh, all right! God! Were you always such a prick or was it something you had to practice for an hour every day?”
• "All you have to do is pick up the phone to be surrounded by people who care for you. Friends.” “Like you?” He nodded. “If you would allow me to take the first step.”“Which is what? A pinch on the butt?” He shrugged, the dimple on his cheek making a rare appearance. “Was I out of line, then?” “Hell, yeah. Nobody pinches my ass until they first buy me a waffle cone full of cookie dough ice cream.”
• “Hey, if you decide to tear up the town, you can always use the leftover bread from my breakfast in place of your cane. I’m pretty sure it’s hard enough to bust heads.”
• “I want to go with you.”
  "Sure", I said.
  “So,” he mused as he turned the gun in his hands, “you’re not going to argue with me?”
  “Why should I? Gives them another target, which means my chances of survival skyrocket.”
• “You’re going to dump an innocent animal with vampires?”
  “He’s hardly pure. You should’ve seen what he did to my shoe!”
• When I retire I’m going to write a book. Not about the CIA. I know too many secrets that could get me killed. Or worse, elected. Nope, this one’s going to be called "My Dad Is an Asshole: The True Story of a Shithead’s Daughter."
• “When do you think they’ll let me get my cell out?” Cole asked. “I promised Mom I’d text her as soon as we land. I’m going to stick my phone up some guy’s kilt, flash a picture, and then challenge her to guess what she’s seeing.”
• Because not everything burns when . . . yup. There it was. A human tooth. Fuck! The thoughts hit me simultaneously. I’m scooping through human remains like they’re freaking Raisin Bran! And, I have to put them back where I found them.
• Albert dug one doggy snack out and offered it to Jack, who immediately deserted me to make friends with the man who had informed me, at the age of eight, that if I couldn’t figure out how to manage all by myself I might as well skip my independence and check right into Greenfields Assisted Living.
• "Some patience, Gran. A lot of them are here because they’ve lost somebody dear to them and they think the person’s still floating around." "What would you do if you thought I was a ghost?" "Force you into business. You’d be great entertainment at slumber parties."
• I nodded politely, gave her a thumbs-up, which I just barely kept from turning sideways and jamming into her eye sockets. Not killing the annoying ones. Some days that’s the hardest part of this gig. From the look on her face, Viv might’ve felt close to the same. Only mothers can make us so crazy.
• “Young man?” said Cole as he tried to keep a woman in the row in front of us from shoving her chair through his stomach. “He probably died before your great-great-grandma’s great-grandparents were done crapping their diapers!”
• I’m not calling that son of a bitch! Not even if he needs a kidney and I’m the only donor left on Earth who matches him! Who gives a damn that he's my father!
• I wanted to tell Albert it couldn’t have been a ghoul. More likely a loeden. But I didn’t say a word. He’d probably just snap my head off before continuing with his story, which I would never get to hear the end of because my ears would be stuck inside his massive jaws.
• “How the hell did you suppose we were going to pay for your funeral when you blew your savings on this trip!” Vayl put his hand on my shoulder. “Jasmine, it could be that you are ruining a special moment here.” We both ignored him as Albert shot back, “I imagined you’d toss me in the back of a pickup truck and dump me over some cliff to be eaten by vultures like you threaten to do every time I get sick!”